Twenty to seven, PM….feels a lot later than that. The Kidling spent today watching a MLP marathon. Hubs was watching “Andromeda”. Right now, I have the news on, and later will have “Dick Clark’s Rocking New Year’s Eve”. We have munchies, although I didn’t get the hard cider I planned to. If I make it to midnight…. we’ll see. Right now, I wouldn’t put any bets on it. I do have to stay awake long enough for my hair to dry.
Looking back over this year…. there’s been ups and downs; good and bad. On the larger scale, mostly bad. We have a government in power that doesn’t give a damn about the average person, the natural resources of this county, or our place on the world stage. The man holding the title of Commander in Chief is one of three things: a raving lunatic, a total idiot, or a thief. He and his money-grubbing cronies are destroying this country. The number of out-right lies they have been caught in are mind-boggling. Makes me worry about my daughter’s future.
On the personal front…a year of changes….my Kidling going to Prom, graduating from high school, the visit by my MIL and Kim, Kidling starting college. We lost my aunt, we lost a line of people who had some influence in my life.
My moods have been just as versatile as anything else. There are very dark periods, when all I want to do is hide in a corner. I can hope I continue to get good hours at work… I cannot count on it, especially when the summer break for college and high school starts. I really need to totally quit smoking. I need the money for a car. (Hell, I need the money for health insurance for me and the Kidling, food in the house, and a bunch of other stuff.)
So, a parting glass to 2017. I can’t say you’ll be missed. A welcoming salute to 2018. May you restore my belief in hope and humans.
I have had it. I am tired of arguing with both my husband and my mother over things that shouldn’t even be issues. I am tired of living paycheck to paycheck, and hoping I can feed my family meat more than once a week. I am tired of not having reliable transportation of my own. I am sick of the political farce this nation has become. And I am disgusted by how some so-called humans treat each other.
Tuesday, the Escape wouldn’t start, and I bounced the Pathfinder off a snow bank…which was better than hitting someone else’s SUV. I was shaking too badly after that to do anything but drive around the corner, park, get inside and curl up in a ball. Today is the second day this week I had to call out of work, because NEITHER Nick’s Escape nor Mom’s Pathfinder will start. ( Nick was waiting when I got home from work yesterday for me to take him to Napa to pick up a new battery for the Escape… only neither of us really knows how to change the damn thing out.) I have to get Mom to the store… she has no food left for Freckles. She was going to have me take her yesterday when I got home, only I didn’t give her the chance.
With the call outs, I am worried about my job. Because the Kidling will be 19 soon, we have to look for new health care coverage for her. I am still dealing with migraines; I don’t think my blood pressure is doing any better; I have not had the mammogram Dr, G wants me to have done, because I can’t find anyplace that will take my insurance that I trust…
I don’t want to do this anymore. Not any of it. And I know things are just going to get worse.
The holidays are supposed to be a time for family togetherness, traditions, joy, and love.
Yeah. That’s the hype. Most families are so split apart by world events, you all need to walk on eggshells to get through a meal. I have seen my mother CRY more this season than she has in months. *I* have been reduced to either tears or angry ranting so often the last few weeks, it isn’t funny at all. Do I have the money to get what I want for those I love….or even just for the house? AND put gas in the car? AND pay insurance? AND have food in the house?
This holiday season is so far under the bar for what I usually want to put out there for my family, it isn’t remotely amusing.
I hate my life. It isn’t anything like it was supposed to be. Most of that is my fault, but not all of it. I am tired, disappointed, and over it all.
As usual, my desire to give to my family out-stripped my ready funds. Spend more than I planned, but at least there are wrapped gifts under the tree. And it was a bit… challenging, since Mom and the Kidling were with me. We all had our phones, so after a slight consultation, we went our separate ways in Walmart. Twice, the Kidling and I crossed paths, and it was almost comical the way we didn’t look into each other’s carts. Kidling had a set budget… and came in under her limit. I wasn’t thinking, and blew my paycheck completely. Ah well, I keep saying I need to quit smoking. Mom had a bad experience. She thought she had most of her shopping done, including something for me. Only when she was leaving the store, someone knocked into her, and the bag slipped. The gift broke, and they didn’t have another in stock. She actually cried on the way home. I told her we have the important stuff: each other. And we will be together Christmas Eve. ALL of us, since it’s a Sunday this year, and none of us work on Sundays. Kidling and I are going to teach M. how to make pirogi. This aught to be interesting!
So, next week’s paycheck is already at least half gone: I need minutes on my phone, and I need to pay the premiums for me and the Kidling (health insurance). And we will need food. Momma Wolf’s cupboards are nearly bare, bar the stuff for Christmas Day dinner.
This is NOT a good day. It didn’t start too badly: the Kidling and I had to be up early to go grocery shopping with Mom, and we were. Then the car wouldn’t start. D was on his way out to work, so he called his father to come give us a jump.
Before that would even begin to work, I had to take Nick’s car over to Berg to get oil and antifreeze. The Pathfinder was bone dry. Yeah, I am supposed to be keeping an eye on the fluids, since I am driving it the most, and I forgot. That was $30 gone from what I planned to spend on food.
Okay, I figured I could still get what I needed. I had lots of coupons, and our Holiday 10% bonus off of one shop. We needed just about everything for baking. Kidling asked for eggnog. We needed some meat. I still ended up $10 short. Mom covered it. I wanted to cry. We get out to the car, load everything…. and I couldn’t get the car to start. THAT did it. I DID start crying. Mom got the damn thing started, and we came home.
I am tired of not having the money to get what my family needs/wants/deserves. I detest living paycheck to paycheck. I didn’t even really decorate this year, and that is so not like me. I love holiday decorations! But… I just feel defeated and lost and sick of it all right now. Have I mentioned I haven’t even shopped for presents yet?
So I was without my computer for nearly two months…. then I lost all my links and passwords and stuff…And now I finally get back here, and NOTHING looks the same. I guess I will have to learn the new style, although it appears a bit daunting.
So, the Kidling is almost done with her first semester of college. COLLEGE! My baby will be nineteen in two months. I feel old. So many of my former classmates are GRANDPARENTS already!
With everything that has been going on around us these days, I sometimes feel over-whelmed, under pressure, confused, lost, and hopeless. This has contributed to an increase in my smoking over the last few months. I have GOT to stop that, since I can’t afford to continue…not financially or health-wise. So, I have decided that today is the first day of my life as a non-smoker. Since we got snow last night, and I didn’t want to drive much today…I have not gone racing to get a pack of cigarettes. Yes, I now have a headache and I am not in a good mood, but I have 20$ until payday, NO Christmas shopping done, and other things I want to do with my life and money. I just don’t want to end up packing the pounds back on in my effort to give up the tobacco and nicotine.
There are other things to write about, now I can re-access my account here, but I think I will save them for another post entirely.