Times when I wonder why I bother getting out of bed in the morning. Times I just want to run away and disappear, and maybe recreate myself completely. Times I wish I wasn’t married, wasn’t a mother, had no ties whatsoever binding me. Times I wish I had made other choices in my younger years.
There are times I just get so depressed, I don’t want to be around anyone, or talk to anyone, or do ANYTHING.
Yeah, I am in a funk right now. It’s a beautiful day out, and I almost wish it was storming. Maybe a good thunderstorm would give me a recharge.
It’s hard when you want things for yourself and your child and the rest of your family, and your part-time hours get cut because the college and high school set are out of classes for the summer. They get more hours, because they don’t make as much per hour. I have been with the same company for over twenty years, and this happens EVERY summer. It also happens every time they decide to hire new workers. But what am I going to do at this stage of my life? I am 50 years old, and whatever skills I learned in my college days are out of date.
It’s hard being the first one up every morning, making sure breakfast is ready, making sure the teen is ready on time. It’s hard getting home at 5:30, having to cook, and then do the dishes as well. Laundry every Sunday. The house is a disaster, since she doesn’t seem to know what a garbage can is for, or a dresser, or a closet. I blame that on her father…when she was little and I’d try to make her clean up her things, he’d dump everything into boxes, just so I wouldn’t lose my temper and start yelling. I try to be organized, but I get so discouraged and beaten down by it all, I give up and let it all slide until I can’t stand it anymore….. and then there are bags of garbage, some of which isn’t really garbage.
It’s hard when you want to do things, and go places, and you can’t because there are bills to pay, transportation issues, and scheduling conflicts.
And now, I don’t know what is going on with my health, and I have to admit it scares me a bit.
I’ve lost the focus of my youth, when I knew what I wanted, and thought I knew how to earn it. And I am afraid my daughter is NOT learning what she needs to stand on her own as an adult.