Feel free to skip this one. I just need to get it out of my system a bit, so maybe I can pick myself up and get moving again.
This isn’t what I expected my life to be like. I have a dead-end job I am not crazy about, a husband who isn’t here, a beautiful daughter who is slowly growing from a child to a young woman, and a mother I wish I could take better care of.
It seems just when I think I am getting caught up, or even ahead of the game, something happens, and I slide back into the hole. November is just about over, and I never DID get my car insurance or utilities paid. Which means, instead of needing $200 within the next ten days, I need $400. And that might not keep the insurance from getting dropped, because this is the second time this year I am late with it.
The holidays are coming. I actually know what I would like to get the people I love…. but having the money to do so is another question.
Food on the table that won’t make me crash with a migraine, or make it impossible to lose weight is stressing me out. Stress means the three separate medicines I am on for my High Blood Pressure don’t really get the job done… which means my doctor gets pissed at me, which leads to MORE stress, which leads to me trying to hide in bad habits.
Next week, I will be 50 years old. What happened to all the plans I had, all the dreams? I feel like I have accomplished nothing, which leads to apathy, and the desire to cure up in my bedroom and just stay there. Let everyone else figure out how t o get things done/paid for/ moving forward again.
I keep trying to tell myself this is a temporary situation. But how long does it go on before ‘temporary’ is over?