Lost Saturdays

Aggravated. Jittery. Clawing at the walls, at the air, at my own face.  The pain in my head is relentless.

He wants me to get a full-time job. Okay, doing what? I have been on a register for thirty-five years. All the dreams I had are gone, the skill-sets rusty or useless, my ambitions crumbled to dust. I feel so ground down, I no longer take pride in myself or my surroundings. I worry for the idling’s future: I think we have failed her as parents, that she isn’t ready to face the world as an adult. I look back and wonder which choices I made, that I should have made differently.

I hate this house,  this city, this culture, this political mess, this job, this person I have become. I want to hide…beneath my blankets, in a cave, under a rock….I want to run away, but I have nowhere to go, no way to get there, and nothing to do once I am gone from here.

No more celebrating my birthday. I have out-lasted my usefulness by 20 years.

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Another One Bites the Dust…

Some readers might know we have been dealing with mice in the house for the last two years or so. It’s never seemed like much of an infestation, since we rarely see evidence. Droppings in the corners of the room, a little body scurrying across the floor… only once did they get into the any food. (Make that twice. More later).  But there are some things I just don’t share well, and my home is one of those things, especially when the ‘roommate’ is something that could make my family sick. So, I got traps. Baited them with peanut butter (as was suggested) and set them in what appeared to be high-mouse-traffic spots. We also started plugging up holes in the floorboards and such with Brillo….between the soap and steel wool, mice do NOT like Brillo.

To date, the traps remain empty. One little rodent, I literally kicked out the back door. Another got into the Swiss Miss…and died, still stuffing his face with the stuff. (I won’t be buying Swiss Miss for personal consumption anymore.)

Today, being Sunday, I am doing my laundry. I was pulling a load out of the washer, when I noticed something small which I could not reach. I called Hubs. He comes down with a head lamp, and informs me we have a very wet, very dead, mouse in the washing machine. He was kind enough to remove it for me, as well.

Apparently, my house is not safe for mice, and it isn’t really anything I’m doing.

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Another school shot up by another messed-up person, and more innocent lives lost.  It’s mind-boggling, it really is. Where does all this hate/apathy/disrespect come from? Why are these youngsters not learning how to manage themselves better?

Of course, the first cry out is that it’s all a gun problem. No, it isn’t, not really. That said, I live in NY, and we have some of the strictest gun laws on the books. And yeah, there should be some at the federal level that don’t exist at this point. There is no way anyone with a history of violence should be allowed to buy a weapon. I get that, and it’s time the NRA catches up to reality, and admits it, as well.

I grew up with guns, and the NRA. Hunting, competition, Military family and friends. I was ALSO raised to respect the rules, myself, other people, and understand about boundaries. If I screwed up, there were consequences and I paid the price. I might not have sat easy for a few hours, but I didn’t make that same mistake twice. People who know me will tell you : I have a NASTY temper. But not once in 50 years have I ever even thought about shooting anyone. A gun is an impersonal weapon. If I am angry enough to really want to hurt someone, it’s going to be with my bare hands. (Okay, so I might throw a bottle at someone’s head in a fight. Still have to be close enough to see their face to do that).

These mass shootings still aren’t about the guns so much as they are about the shooter: the one looking for their 15 seconds of fame; revenge for not being  in the “In Crowd”; “Payback” for all the slights, real and imaginary.  And it isn’t always a gun in their hand. Timothy McVeigh used a bomb in a rental truck in 1995, and murdered 168 people. He paid the price, since he was executed for that in June of 2001. September 11, 2001, religious fanatics used planes (and a couple of box cutters) to kill 2,996 people… and had no intentions to survive it themselves. In fact, it seems in most cases, the shooters don’t intend to survive. If the police don’t shoot them, they often shoot themselves. They just have no intention of going into that Great Unknown alone.

We need to bring back discipline, good manners, connecting with people…(I will not say “prayer in schools”, because I don’t recall there being organized prayer in public schools, and I don’t believe in it, since there are far too many systems of belief for a one-size-fits-all school prayer) We need to make it easier for parents to spend time actually raising their children….not just working to keep the bills paid. The current administration wants to cut funding for after-school programs… which will just make this matter worse, in the long run. We need to say “ENOUGH” and stop glorifying the bad guys with all the media coverage. The lines between “Entertainment” and “Reality” need to be more firmly established.

And we all need to hold our loved ones a little closer, a little longer.

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Bright sunshine, bouncing

Into black shadow

Ready and rearing to go

Curl up into dreams

of what-if and Never-was

and Never-will-be


Brittle facades, patterned

To hide the cracks

Rote answers

Deny deeper truths

Falling, falling

And fading


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Enough, please

So far this day, I have had two pieces of toast, a coke, done my shopping, had a stress-attack….

For the last two years, I have been driving Mom’s car, because I can’t afford to get one of my own. A 2000 Nissan Pathfinder. I never minded, until now. Because NOW, the Pathfinder is apparently dying, and neither I or Mom have the money to actually fix it. I can’t run the heat, lights, defroster or radio, because when I have to stop at a light or sign, the car stalled out. This morning, as Mom and I were leaving PC, I pulled out of the  parking spot…. and it died completely. Thank all the gods we were still in the parking lot! Most people were pretty tolerant, considering we were blocking the driving lane. A few stopped to check on us, and see if they could help. There were two or three I wanted to punch in the face, for nasty comments or nearly hitting the Pathfinder….and one almost hit Mom! Nick came up so we could get all the groceries out of the Pathfinder and into the Escape. We were waiting with Mom for the tow, but she ordered me to get the stuff home, and put away the cold stuff… let the dog out for a while, too. Now I am waiting for her to call me from Ray’s. (She just called… the tow is there, and they will be leaving the store shortly.)

I honestly don’t know what I am going to do in the next few months. I need to get a reliable car. Mom is having surgery in February. Nick needs surgery within the year.  My BP is just barely under control… and I have an appointment Monday which I will now be walking to. (Thankfully, the doctor’s office is about an eighth of a mile from the house. I just need to pray the weather is decent) The stress levels are bad, and the only relief I have to stop me from shaking is smoking, which is not good for me, and I can’t actually afford.

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Walls, Dreamers, Sanctity of Life, Shutdowns….

…and it all comes down to ELECTED officials not listening to the people they are supposed to represent.

Let’s talk about the Wall, shall we? It isn’t a new idea, building a wall to “protect” a border. It’s been done in China, in the UK…. hell, even in ‘Game Of Thrones’! Impressive walls they were/are, too. Thing is, none of the three succeed. The Mongol hordes still invaded China, the Pics still raided what is now Northern England, and those White Walkers still got into Westros. Building a wall is not about to stop desperate people, whatever reason they are seeking to get in.

Dreamers. Dreamers were children when they came to this country. They had NO SAY in how their parents went about the move. They have lived, studied, worked, and served believing themselves US citizens. Now they are being sent back to countries most of them don’t remember, and some don’t even speak the language.  These people pay taxes. They teach, they coach, they are military. What makes them the bad guys?

Don’t like abortion? Don’t have one. But don’t whine when you find yourself with a larger family than you can afford, and are working three jobs to cover the bills. Contraception is NEVER 100% infallible. Medications can mess with the Pill, condoms can leak. And who is anyone out there to tell a frightened female who has been raped that she MUST carry her rapist’s sperm to term? Have you any idea how emotionally and mentally damaging that can be?

Shutdowns. The Republicans are blaming the Democrats, and visa versa. Ultimately, the buck stops at the President. And in this case, it should. He’s led the division of the parties from the start of this administration, and made it much worse than it has ever been. Then too, the fact that he once boasted he’d never “allow” a government shutdown during his term. (BTW, the Woman’s March was a demonstration AGAINST Trump and his cronies, and their beliefs they somehow have the right to dictate what women can and cannot do with their bodies, what a person should and should not feel, and that the rich deserve a bigger tax break than anyone else.)

I love America. I love the ideals this nation was founded on. Not one president in our history has been perfect. They have all been human. But most of them had some really bright, shining moments in their terms that people can look back at and say “He did a good job”. This administration…. I honestly do NOT see that happening.

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It Doesn’t Rain, It Snows

Almost a week with no internet. This time, we were all down. Hubs amused himself watching episodes of ANDROMEDA. The Kidling and I watched a lot of television since Friday last: SAY YES TO THE DRESS, SUPERNATURAL, and BONES, mostly. We have also been going through  PRIMEVAL dvds the last two or three days. Tech came and got it all straightened out today.  Which is a very good thing, because the Kidling’s semester has begun, and she now already needs to play catch-up with her two classes.

But having to stay home today for the tech visit worked in my favor. I don’t feel great, and I haven’t. Dizzy, mostly.  And we ended up with 6″ of snow. I did clear off the Pathfinder, and hopefully enough of the drive to get out tomorrow morning. I might have cleared more of the drive, but my fingers hurt sooooo much, I just wanted to get inside and thaw them out. They are still sore. Yeah, typing isn’t really helping that, but babying them won’t, either. I think all the out-door time I spent without gloves on over the years is catching up with me. I may have had a mild case of frostbite.

Welcome to New York.

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